So I’m trying to write a screenplay for a class I’m in. It’s a screenplay I’ve wanted to write for a long time. I’m kind of glad I didn’t finish writing it before because I certainly didn’t know how to go about it before, whatsoever. (AH THE BLISSFUL IGNORANCE OF YOUTH.) But seriously if I don’t write this I’m screwed. When I first thought of this idea, it came to me in images. Anything I want to create does. Which is okay except images and concepts don’t make a screenplay, characters with goals, thoughts, motivations, and actions do. Now let me be upfront I’ve already disappointed my professor. I am a terrible student. The perception is always otherwise, but believe me I would know. (& Let’s be clear good grades don’t make a good student and bad grades don’t make a bad one.) If her class was my only class I’d probably do much better. I was really feeling this semester, actually, like I was doing much better with my life. But not wonderfully. I think I wrote about this in another post, so I’ll stop.
What I see in dreams are drugs, and what I say when I’m drunk is “I’m a horrible person.” It’s true. It’s not like I’m saving the world from hunger or joining the peace corps or anything. Anyway it’s so hard to pull yourself out of a dream sometimes.
I don’t know if confidence or attention or lack of love is the issue. I have managed to keep to one thing going though, through this semester. But it’s becoming a stagnant skill that’s not really improving. I feel so volatile all the time. I guess you could say I’m moody but it’s not like anyone can tell. My internal dialogue jumps from happy and optimistic to saddened and guilty and wanting to sleep. It takes days and then hours. I’ll admit I watched a movie on Wednesday that instantly depressed me, it would be funny if I told you what movie and why so I’m ashamed to say. Well here I went, I didn’t stop.
In case I haven’t already apologized to my professor ( I am not rereading the above) I am sorry. Like I said I’m a horrible person who procrastinates a ton and occasionally hates making decisions and is deathly scared of writing a cliche and having people I respect hate me. (Then why did I miss deadlines? I just didn’t get it.)
It’s really sad because I’ve written more than I ever have in a long time this semester, at least it appears to me that I have. That’s really an indicator of how little I usually write, even though I’m a grammar hating dirty little writer at heart. Maybe I wasn’t writing the right things but I believe if you keep trying, even if everything you produce is crap, eventually you’ll make something with a little worth, a little potential. It’s was hard to apply that to screenwriting class though.
Now the only way to write any material at all is to be honest and put yourself in it, your beliefs, experiences, the people you’ve met. I’m doing that with this screenplay. But writing certain things I’m finding it hard to relate to the main character. And I’m so afraid of writing something that’s not surprising and a cliche, and then I’m afraid of shunning the cliche that fits. So I wanted to make the main character a little bit more like me, because it would be more interesting, but it doesn’t even work that way. & I really don’t have anyone around that I trust to talk about it with. It’s HARD so HARD to tell someone “This is my idea, what do you think? Can you help me?” That is so incredibly hard for me.
I have to say too, that I’m tired of school. So it doesn’t really make sense that I decided to go for the Education Minor right? A semester ahead and all of a sudden I’m adding on a semester of student teaching even though I will probably not work as a teacher. Well I have to say Education is REALLY interesting to me, this isn’t some back up plan. In the future I would love to do something with education. Becoming a certified teacher is something I previously never thought I would be able to do but if I could do it I would be so happy. I could talk more about education right now but I’ll refrain. Going to try to write down answers for this screenplay. Gonna try. Give me luck.