Feeling Optimistic / Pinterest

Hey you guys!

I just wanna say after yesterday’s post, I am feeling so much better. I skyped with my awesome filmmaking friend Esther which really helped. Just telling someone your idea helps.  But like I said sometimes it’s hard for me to do and I regret it. My script’s storyline is starting to come together and I’m getting excited. What is worrying me now are the “in between” scenes. Pixar says that the ending is the hardest, but I have to disagree, I know my ending, and beginning, but it’s the middle two acts that will be hardest. I think I can get it down though. I have a board on Pinterest where I’m putting images together that relate to my script. It’s a secret board but this is my Pinterest in case you want to follow me and the other boards I post on. I have a board for all the movies I’ve ever seen which I may never finish, there’s too many to post!  It’s time consuming but I try to post 10 every time I log on. I am getting more and more images in my mind for this story. I will keep updating on this.


Screenwriting Troubles

So I’m trying to write a screenplay for a class I’m in. It’s a screenplay I’ve wanted to write for a long time. I’m kind of glad I didn’t finish writing it before because I certainly didn’t know how to go about it before, whatsoever. (AH THE BLISSFUL IGNORANCE OF YOUTH.) But seriously if I don’t write this I’m screwed. When I first thought of this idea, it came to me in images. Anything I want to create does. Which is okay except images and concepts don’t make a screenplay, characters with goals, thoughts, motivations, and actions do. Now let me be upfront I’ve already disappointed my professor. I am a terrible student. The perception is always otherwise, but believe me I would know. (& Let’s be clear good grades don’t make a good student and bad grades don’t make a bad one.) If her class was my only class I’d probably do much better. I was really feeling this semester, actually, like I was doing much better with my life. But not wonderfully. I think I wrote about this in another post, so I’ll stop.

What I see in dreams are drugs, and what I say when I’m drunk is “I’m a horrible person.” It’s true. It’s not like I’m saving the world from hunger or joining the peace corps or anything. Anyway it’s so hard to pull yourself out of a dream sometimes.

I don’t know if confidence or attention or lack of love is the issue. I have managed to keep to one thing going though, through this semester. But it’s becoming a stagnant skill that’s not really improving. I feel so volatile all the time. I guess you could say I’m moody but it’s not like anyone can tell. My internal dialogue jumps from happy and optimistic to saddened and guilty and wanting to sleep. It takes days and then hours. I’ll admit I watched a movie on Wednesday that instantly depressed me, it would be funny if I told you what movie and why so I’m ashamed to say. Well here I went, I didn’t stop.

In case I haven’t already apologized to my professor ( I am not rereading the above) I am sorry. Like I said I’m a horrible person who procrastinates a ton and occasionally hates making decisions and is deathly scared of writing a cliche and having people I respect hate me. (Then why did I miss deadlines? I just didn’t get it.)

It’s really sad because I’ve written more than I ever have in a long time this semester, at least it appears to me that I have. That’s really an indicator of how little I usually write, even though I’m a grammar hating dirty little writer at heart. Maybe I wasn’t writing the right things but I believe if you keep trying, even if everything you produce is crap, eventually you’ll make something with a little worth, a little potential. It’s was hard to apply that to screenwriting class though.

Now the only way to write any material at all is to be honest and put yourself in it, your beliefs, experiences, the people you’ve met. I’m doing that with this screenplay. But writing certain things I’m finding it hard to relate to the main character. And I’m so afraid of writing something that’s not surprising and a cliche, and then I’m afraid of shunning the cliche that fits. So I wanted to make the main character a little bit more like me, because it would be more interesting, but it doesn’t even work that way. & I really don’t have anyone around that I trust to talk about it with. It’s HARD so HARD to tell someone “This is my idea, what do you think? Can you help me?” That is so incredibly hard for me.

I have to say too, that I’m tired of school. So it doesn’t really make sense that I decided to go for the Education Minor right? A semester ahead and all of a sudden I’m adding on a semester of student teaching even though I will probably not work as a teacher. Well I have to say Education is REALLY interesting to me, this isn’t some back up plan. In the future I would love to do something with education. Becoming a certified teacher is something I previously never thought I would be able to do but if I could do it I would be so happy. I could talk more about education right now but I’ll refrain.  Going to try to write down answers for this screenplay. Gonna try. Give me luck.



I Try (to write, to be honest)

The Sexism hurts me

Like it does every other person

Whether they know it or not

Integrated and ingrained

Into life, into our brains

Boiling in America’s melting pot

With Racism and Prejudice

Ultra Religious Practices

A hate that people carry on but never lay claim

They say that modesty is real and boys don’t wear dresses

I wasn’t taught different- But I know different

I saw movies and commercials indescribable, uncomfortable

But I was fine ’til a point

Then the seeds inside me, both sown and innate

Burst, creating throbbing pain I couldn’t escape

I know now the loneliness was developmental, that many felt the same way

While their judgement didn’t stop I let my guilt fade

So at this point right now I just purse my lips and try to be the change.

Update & Thoughts

Well hey, it’s been awhile yeah? My last post was around the Hell Weeks of spring semester and soon the Hell Weeks of this semester will be upon me. How was summer? How was fall? Your birthday? Halloween? The last golden hours of 2013? It’d be too much to go into that now but I’ll share some thoughts.

I’ve been thinking, wondering, how people see me. On occasions someone will let me know how they see me. I’m always surprised. There are usually 2 perceptions: I am too shy, too unsure, too apologetic. Or, I’m great, a good, nice, person, I have it all going for me.

Well I don’t feel either and I don’t enjoy hearing either.

Now I have a lot of things going for me sure, I’m a very lucky person. But I’m not a good person. I will never feel like a good person, ever. I know it. It’s been ingrained in my head that I am not and I have failed too many times to reverse that self-image.

That doesn’t mean I hate myself. I just live with acknowledgement that I’m not better than anyone else. But it drives me- to care about grades and wash out my bottle of Naked juice before I recycle it. It drives me to please people I wish I could just say no to. For better or worse.

I usually feel very lucky, and always I’ve wondered when the luck will run out, when will something bad happen so I hate myself for all the things I didn’t do when I was lucky. Isn’t that terrible? I try to push those thoughts away. At the same time, not everything is going for me.  There are things that I don’t have that really hurt and I try not to think about them and I try not to anticipate them and I try to imagine them coming to me. It’s funny because they’re things I was so sure I’d have at 20! So sure. I’ll be good not thinking about them and going on with life and being a little productive, for at least a few days to a week. Then I’ll freak out. I don’t have panic attacks or anxiety, but I’ll tear up a bit and not want to do anything. Being with friends helps a little. I’ll be very hyped up around them. Or when driving I’ll blast music from my car with the windows down and keep my arm out and let my hair tangle. It’s kind of a pattern. Like now, I’m good, but I don’t trust myself to be OK this same time next week. I get so distracted, so easily. This paragraph is even rambling.

For the first perception. It’s hard. Not as much as it used to be but I still get crap. I try my best and I feel a lot of people are unwarranted in that perception. I speak quietly ONCE, apologize ONCE, am shy around ONE person, and somebody claims I act like that ALWAYS. Well it’s not true. I know because I’m there for every conversation I have. I don’t check out for someone else to take over. But some people feel better bringing someone else down. I just have to fight harder to shut them up.

To be honest I’d really rather not know how others see me. I can get validation somewhere else.