“It’s going to work, it works, no. . . “
This is what I thought when I logged into tumblr more or less 10 minutes ago. I wanted to see gifs. Of course tumblr has many but I didn’t look at them once I logged in. I’ve never been a huge fan of tumblr for a few reasons. One, it’s addicting. Two, its’ format isn’t very professional looking, not that it needs to be, but I never felt it was too serious. Three, I don’t understand completely why hundreds of people follow others who do not create their own material. I understand the usefulness of collecting images (that’s why I have a pinterest) but not the ways of tumblr. When I used my tumblr (which still exists but is private and I am probably never going to touch it again) I heard that people occasionally got mad if you reblogged something without giving credit. Even though the person you reblogged the image or text from did not create it. Do you see why tumblr, a massive black hole of images, kept me away?
In any case, I revisited my tumblr tonight, a few minutes ago, and reread each entry. There were only 11 short pages. I mention school, a boyfriend, music I like, my friends, my mom, a review of a play I saw, little things. What stroke me first was the writing style. It’s quite different from my style now. I’ve heard my writing style is ‘conversational’ and I tend to agree and don’t think that’s changed much. Or maybe it’s the voice that’s different. It’s a voice that still has hope for things that now, down the line I know don’t turn out. It’s a voice of optimism, and if you don’t know me, my optimism is relentless. I’d take it to the grave so it’s a troublemaking factor.
I’m a little surprised at how personal it is. Only a few friends at school followed it. Maybe I didn’t think they’d read it. Maybe I didn’t care. I’d like to think I’m a little more reserved with those things now, but no. Look at this blog I can’t deny I’m okay with giving up personal things, taking the jewelry off my ears and from around my neck and offering every experience to persons unknown.
But that voice has dreams that will never be realized. I only just let go of some them in the past year. It’s unfortunate though I can’t feel any pang of regret. It’s all over with. I’ve met people I wouldn’t want to give up just for some other path that would have had just as many wolves if not more.
What concerns me reading the blog, is what hasn’t changed. Especially the little things like the photos of actors I posted whom I still like to watch onscreen. The obscure songs by random artists that I will still listen to on youtube to this day. It makes me question what I’ve been doing with the last three years, because looking at the blog so much still hasn’t changed. I survived some tough and some dumb decisions. Is that all?
It crossed my mind to delete the blog but on there are mentions of dates that would help me flesh out a timeline of my life. You know, when I adore something or someone, be it music or a lover, I fall so that I forget how it began. How I ever found it out. That exact moment before the landslide.
You know what? Maybe that’s the voice I’m hearing when I read my tumblr. The insane voice of someone in love, in mutual craziness with someone else. Such hope. Another thing, I never thought about colleges before I had to. I think I really truly thought that I would be able to go somewhere new and far away and get my childhood dream of living on the east coast. How? How did I possibly ever have hope for that? I have no idea looking back. But . . . wow. I think I really had hope and that is unfathomable. So naive and oblivious. If I had been honest, and opened my eyes a bit earlier I would probably have realized how little hope there was.
I’m now at the stage of my life where I’m trying to keep the power with me, not let myself get screwed over. Sociology class helped teach me about that. Really truly. I don’t know how my next year is going to pan out, but let me tell you it may all end up being an exercise in some delayed gratification. Cheers to that. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow morning and get some coffee.