American Dream : BLAME

I feel it is very American to take blame and put it on yourself. To hold yourself accountable for EVERYTHING. It goes along with the American dream, if you work hard enough, no matter who you are or where you came from, you will succeed. Being an American I can’t say I don’t believe this. Even if Malcolm Gladwell cleverly pointed out all the reasons why people really are successful (and it is not just hard work) I still buy it. I know people who are living proof of it, happy or unhappy. Yet the downside of this is in all those that did in fact work hard but were not successful, and therefore blamed themselves. Disappointment is one thing, but blaming yourself for it is another. Especially if it is not your fault. There are so many things that are out of our control. Was it really my decision to go to college? You can be a smart aleck and tell me it’s a free country but if you were in my shoes no, it was not my decision. That’s not to say I didn’t want to attend an institution of higher learning, only that the imperative to go stemmed from societal and familial pressures. So do you blame yourself for anything? I blame myself for so many things. But I don’t know what is reasonable and what’s not. Where I made the right decision and where I made the wrong one. Because you can do anything if you try hard enough, right?

Love,

Sara ♥

Things People Told Me This Week: Saturday & Sunday

Saturday: “Yep.”

Aw come on man. You forgot. I wasn’t so bothered, but I wish I hadn’t gone out at all. I hope you enjoyed the warmth of the blanket I threw over you. I also kept our amigo from putting fake blood on you, though I’m not sure he would really have done it.

Sunday: “You’re a good actress.”

Moments ago! You’re nice, I wish I were a real actress, but maybe you said this because I was in a way fishing for compliments even though I was being truthful? I mean you’ve said it before, and I guess I can believe you mean it only ’cause you’ve seen me act. To clarify for readers, I’m not really an actress, but acting is fun. Especially on film.

I’m feeling strange tonight. I’m not letting myself feel bad, yet that leaves my head heavy with my mind running in a thousand different directions and I can’t study. I just want to be creative. I want to write here on wordpress, and write lyrics, and see if I can edit this shot of my best friend into something interesting and figure out my short film and everything I just can’t study.

But hey thanks for talking to me. You’re one of the few people that always make me really happy. But you’ll never know how much I quoted you. Haha.

Love,

Sara ♥

Of friends, I am . . .

The one wearing a dress when everyone else is in t-shirts.

The one who isn’t busy and the one who can’t do anything.

The one who never has a boyfriend, but always wants one.

The one who will sit contentedly with her coffee in class, smiling and hugging the cup with her hands.

The one who will sit waiting with sprinkled ice cream on the “Meet A Friend” Bench, secretly wishing the bench will deliver, but cautious of the people passing.

The one who constantly, constantly searches for faces.

The one who wants everyone to eat whatever they want always and is sad when they don’t.

The one who is indecisive.

The one who rides highs and lows and can’t stop.

The one who wishes she was a better friend.

The one who wants to tell everyone everything and lie her body out naked.

The one who likes nothing better than to make her friends laugh.

The one who decided if she looks the part she can forget she doesn’t qualify.

The one who is realizing that isn’t working.

But I could go on.

Things People Told Me This Week : Monday Thru Friday

Monday: “You look like a punk I love it.” This made me happy. I hadn’t slept the night before except for three hours of tossing and turning on a plane. Despite being petite, there was still no way I could make myself comfortable on that plane seat. No way. I hoped my small frame would be able to twist and turn into a satisfying sleep position, but NO. I woke up like every ten minutes. So I had that grease airport hair going on, masked only by a headband bow pulling my bangs back (which are ceasing to be bangs at the moment so I need to cut them, they are like the female equivalent of unruly sideburns or something) the jeans, shirt, and black boots I had not changed out of, and my Fjallraven Kanken backpack as I was buying coffee and saw my friend. The shirt was a baseball sleeve endorsing the only campus organization I belong to. I don’t really wear t-shirts endorsing things but that organization is the film kid one, soooo ;) My mouth was cleaned solely by “Dentyne Ice” gum as well, so I was a dirty punk too ;) And my friend had also not slept or brushed her hair (even though it looked lovely!) so we were in the same boat. (Although I bet she had a toothbrush and a change of clothes.)
But anyway this made me happy because I love so-called “edgy” looks, but I will never really have one because I only have two holes pierced in my skin, one on each earlobe, and that is as far as I’m going. There’s also no way I’d ever be getting a tat, even though I admire them from afar.
I think I had a punk feel going on more than a look, so maybe she was just picking up on a vibe but I appreciate it.
Tuesday: “Because I miss you, we haven’t hung out.”
You are right we have not. But we will, on the morrow in fact. Also your hugs suck, even when you ask for them. I must remember to tell you in the future. You are a very upright creature, nothing wrong with that, but you must learn to loosen up a bit. Now I know I have my share of tension, held under my skin and in my eyes, so we will both work on this together, eh?
Wednesday: “But you want me to.”
Ah there are nothing like mixed feelings to bother you at night and keep you from talking during the day! But whatever. That sentence sounds serious but that whole conversation had me laughing, while I was attempting to finish an essay on time no less. You win for having two days of memorable convo.
Thursday:
“Mermaid.”
You mumbled right my friend. I AM a mermaid. One day I’ll swim right out of this town.
Friday: “You don’t have to be ambitious.”
Ah, amigo, but I do. I must. I’m more ambitious than accomplished too and therein lies a problem. I have to hold on to ambition if I want to be successful, right? But you are young and please forgive me if I’m wrong, seem to have few worries, either because of your character or lot in life. There are many reasons I am choosing the path I am choosing. You’re right, it’s not about money, it’s more so I can say I did it, say at least I was able to accomplish that, if nothing else. You have accomplished much in your life insofar, I really haven’t. And of course I need to swim out of this town, which I told you and you understood.
P.S. If you are my friend and have googled me and found this blog and found I quoted you CONGRATULATIONS! That is something I would do. Also, you are all the best and I quoted you because I was thinking of you or what you said meant something to me. <3
Coming up : Saturday & Sunday!
Love again,
Sara♥

Crying Correctly

And then there is the person, talking, talking, talking, in a lecture the way they have lectured you a thousand times before. 
For once, your emotion hits on the right note, your eyes feel the hug of tears, warm on your bottom eyeline and soon to make mascara marks down your face. 
You tell them all you ever want is for them to be happy. To do whatever it is they need to do, be wherever they need to be to be happy. To stop complaining. To live life on this cruel, cruel earth as they’ve dreamed. 
You kiss and hug. They don’t know what they would do without you. They tell you to go to bed. So suddenly, seeing ears so apt, they stopped talking. They told you to go to bed. To rest. 
So what did they feel? Did they feel any guilt, see where they’ve been wrong? A part of you hopes so. With hearing the facts and the exaggeration and talk coming from their mouth you wondered how you could ever dream, ask, for anything again. Your resolve was slipping away but you still held out a hand for it, you didn’t forget it. That is why you cried. 
You hear from the bottom of the stairs: 
What time are you waking up in the morning? Do you want me to wake you up? 
No, no, you sleep. I’ll wake myself up. I’ll make sure I am alright. 
But you can’t go to sleep and the next morning they call you and that is the reason why you made it to class on time. But you could do it by yourself if you had to. You usually do. 

And remember, when she told you to cry to get what you want? You never could, you never tried. Last night you cried, but you didn’t ask for anything. 

GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING

What a great day to stay up late? It’s actually only 8 o’clock at night but I’ve been up for QUITE AWHILE, last night was quite the NIGHT-DAY. I thought I might write here to give a bit of an update since it’s been awhile.

*crickets*

Because while I’d love to write for you and it was my idea and everything, to tell you what I’ve been doing seems to put me in a spot. I don’t know what I’ve been doing. Or, I won’t allow myself to look back on the last month and tell you. Mental block there. Sorry. Maybe if you were here asking me straight up in my face? Whether that’s laziness or denial you choose.

But my Cinematography class seemingly is going well. This last week and Valentine’s Day and weekend was a mix of emotions for me, from happiness and hope to acute déjà-vu that made me feel as if my guts were wringing themselves out.

Don’t you feel better and ashamed all at once when someone feels sorry for you? The tears stop, you ask yourself why you were crying in the first place. No, I’m fine. You can bawl again when they leave. The saying “cry and you cry alone, laugh and the world laughs with you” is also true because attention seeking people thinking they want to cry in front of someone else can’t when the time comes.  Where is this going? You’re all going to think I was crying in front of people all week on purpose. I assure you this is not the case and I wasn’t crying all week.

See, I can’t even go over this week. I’ve ruined it now. Also considering you can’t go over life with a magic marker what is the point? I know I’m not trying as hard as I could but-

I have this disgusting research paper to write.

Love,

Sara ♥