Night / Hours before my flight to LA!
Night / Hours before my flight to LA!
You know that feeling when you’ve disappointed yourself over and over and start to believe that you can ever be as good as you once hoped you be? As you told yourself you could be? Over and over? I’m guessing this has something to do with being 20. Yet I’m such an optimist I may never lose hope. Let me know? Comments down below?
Hey y’all. I got a new phone today.
Let’s see what this brings. Or helps me do. Gotta get up at 4:45 or so tomorrow, so I’m checking out, have a good night.
So I haven’t posted in awhile. Reason being, my stress has been through the roof. Finals are over, and it’s still pretty high up there, only difference is I’m not cramming for tests or bs-ing papers. I actually prefer just worrying about finals to the things I’m worrying about now. They hang over my head in a constant shadow. It’s bad. My methods of coping include not facing things. Ignoring things. Tweeting.
This morning, I stared straight ahead, my arms at my sides, not crossed, no self-hug. I stared at the road in front of me, not out the window, and not at the person looking at me to see if I was listening to their rant. I was listening, but I was telling myself, “You are powerful. You are in control.” Because I am so sick of not being so. The consequences will not be good if I live like I am for much longer. I need to scream and fight and kick and refuse to back down, even if I’m hated for it. What can I do otherwise? Bow, bend, back down. It doesn’t work. Since when did it work? It doesn’t. I should know that better than anyone else. The other morning I was so angry I was on the edge of screaming. Which I never do. I never scream or yell in anger. Never. But how many times have I been screamed at? A million. And you know what? It’s time to scream back.
Sometimes I joke that I want to be/dress up as a man- and I thought the want for that came from me watching comedians like Steve Martin as a child and while I wanted to be a beautiful actress, I sure wanted to be funny too and play different characters and do hilarious accents, and I guess I saw mostly men doing that on screen. (Although there was Lucille Ball.) But here’s what’s probably a subconscious motivation: my life would have been so much easier if I was born a boy. No question.
I’m sure so many people think I’m a flake. Sure, some of them are people that have more interest in me than I in them, but a lot of them are friends. Oh, when did that start? Well in a memorable event, when I was 16. But even earlier than that, I was the one left out. And you know what? The real me is not a flake. But you flake out when you’re afraid of being yelled at. Of someone not being happy. Of being reminded what a worthless person you are, because you know even if they try to build you up later the damage is done. On rare occasion you’ll do something that will get you yelled at, because it is inevitable either way. Inevitable. And part of you hopes that for once they won’t care. You can’t help but push the boundaries because even if they were happy with you how long would that last? A month? Two weeks? Answer: No telling.
The biggest part of you hopes that YOU won’t care, you won’t care if they hate you, you won’t care if they scream, you’ll be able to say to yourself, NO. I’m a GOOD person. I’m WORTH something. I DESERVE better, and say these things through action. But of course you say you have to make these things true first to believe it.
This is a horribly personal post, so I just ask if you’ve read it, please don’t imagine me crying right now. I’m not. There are many good things in my life that are absolutely wonderful. But we all have challenges to face. This is part of mine and I will surmount it. I’ll be getting back to blogging soon, about screenwriting and everything. I should be purchasing a new camera soon as well, and I will be having lots and lots of fun with that, I hope. Adding more video to this site, and my youtube channel.
If you’re going through anything right now, I wish you the best. And if you aren’t, I wish you the best all the same.
About the best thing that’s happened today so far is amaretto coffee. In regards to Friday’s horoscope, I had no “stand-off” with anyone. I guess practical matters fared better than social ones today. Perhaps I did too easily concentrate on things lost or missing in life yesterday. I didn’t really address that Thursday night. I don’t know if I kept a low profile. I guess so? Work hard? I guess not. Stick to the rules? Never do. Was I overlooked? I don’t know. Ignored? Not really. Taken for granted? I don’t know I’m not in other’s minds. Decision making was difficult as always. That ain’t new.
Horoscopes are generalized BS.
Now can I get over this hump already?
Sooo yeah life issss as it issss. I wish I could speak Parseltongue. Not gonna lie, I was a total Harry Potter geek. Especially in the month of August. Don’t know why but I would just obsess about it for that month. Guess I needed something to obsess about. I had lots of obsessions as a child, one after another. Ideas, movies, books, crushes, whatever.
Why Don’t we take a look at my Horoscope?
According to online website Cafe Astrology:
“What begins as a seemingly minor difference in opinion today can quickly escalate into a frustrating stand-off, dear Virgo. Before allowing it to get to that point, you might want to ask yourself if it’s worth the stress. The day’s energies are poor for receptivity, so you may not find a willing “audience” now. Practical matters fare better than social ones for you today. You could too easily concentrate on things that have been lost or what is missing in your life today. Keep a low profile, work hard, and stick to the rules right now. You may be overlooked, ignored, or worse, taken for granted. Decision making is difficult with an opposition occurring involving your ruler, Mercury, to Saturn in your third house of the mind. Get over this hump and you can commit more completely to the bright and positive outlook that you’ve been flirting with lately.”
So I’m set to have an argument that turns into a stand-off? I doubt it, highly. I don’t get into serious arguments often and the only person I might- oh that stress is happily avoided. I may not find a willing “audience”. Now is that solely in reference to the argument or is it applicable to people I may try to contact? Practical matters are better than social. I don’t even know- what social matters do I have to take care of?” Keep a low profile.” Nah. I want to wear something pretty tomorrow I haven’t worn before, I was thinking of my long peach colored lace skirt. Work hard and stick to the rules? Good advice but will I follow it? Decision making is difficult because of the planets? The planets of all Virgos must be out of alignment then honey because decisons are so hard to make. So, so, hard. I have been flirting with a bright and positive outlook maybe, not sure. I’m trying to commit to things but I’ve always considered myself an optimist.
So what do you think? Should I trust this method of fortune-telling? Do you? I don’t feel any more enlightened than I was previously. Hmm. Well I will go to bed and follow up on this prediction tomorrow amigos.
Love ya and goodnight,
I’m in deep procrastination and distraction mode. I should be panicking, but I’m not. I want to be doing something purposeful or creative, and bullshitting pages about politicians just doesn’t do it for me. I thought that writing here would get some of my creative energy out so I can work on the boring stuff.
But first, shoutout to mi amigo – he may be reading this since he now knows I have a blog – had fun with you today!
I’m feeling a little frustrated. It’s the end of the semester so I assume everyone is stressed, but I should be happy. At least happier than I am. My summer has all the potential to be amazing. But I just don’t want to have any expectations of it. I don’t even want them to creep into my mind. I don’t want to get really excited and then disappointed. It’s not just that the end of the semester is dampening my mood. I’m also thinking about the beginning of next semester. These last two semesters weren’t bad, they just weren’t good. I need to make next year good.
Look I’m just continuing to believe that the next two days will be fine though. Sure I could be fooling myself but let’s just go with it. Right? I seem to have no problem so far.
My love to Gregory Peck and all reading,
I been off blogging a few days I know. It’s been something of a few days. What happened what happened what happened. High levels of cortisol. (The stress hormone.)
Acted this morning, I was a bit upset with something else coming up later that day and I suppose some of that energy funneled into the performance unconciously. I didn’t really feel like I was doing too good but I didn’t think about it at the time. Just went with it. The class and teacher liked it alright which made me happy.
Watched some videos about body language, including Amy Cuddy’s Ted Talk – absolutely love her and really connected to some of the things she said. I knew many of the signals mentioned but there are a few I’m going to be looking for from now on.
I went to a stressful sort of get together, which has been stressing out all week and was the source of the upset that potentially helped me perform better this morning. But It’s over I can’t think about it. Walked a line I did. (I need to email someone though so I am just making note here so I remember: email script.)
I wish I could write a bit more coherently and interestingly and all that but my eyes are watering with tiredness and I heard a voice that wasn’t anywhere tonight so if you will allow me to say
Goodnight and Love,
So looks like that essay I mean research paper is due next Wednesday, April 30th. Not this Wednesday.
Hmm Hmm Hmm. At least this motivated me to start it. The zen I forced myself to take on wasn’t necessary, so could I have created it if it were?
I do this sometimes, not a lot, but sometimes. It’s selective observation. All people do this. It has caused me not to take important photographs and have to take them last minute on a phone, it caused me to park it a handicapped space without realizing it once (also drive away from the spot not realizing it, being told I did, refusing to believe I actually did that, and then coming to the realization that I had to have been parked there), and caused me to be late, and caused many things oh my gosh this paint scent is getting to my head. Sorry. I would write more about this but I don’t want to stay in this room and lose any more brain cells. This room has FRESH PAINT and I am inhaling every bit of it and cannot escape to another room with internet.
Well tonight thru tomorrow is gonna be crazy. But you know what? I am okay with that. I will make it through. I must just stay focused. And just keep swimming. And stay focused. But today went well! (Thanks Greg) Let’s just see what the evening brings! Progress? Or Procrastination? Let’s say progress.